I forget

I forget. It’s one of the symptoms of Post Sepsis Syndrome. Short term memory loss.

I can’t hold a piece of information in my head and cross reference it to another. So, sequences of thought and the development of ideas becomes problematic, sometimes impossible.

Often this means I go round and round in thought circles that lead to nowhere. Occasionally these thoughts are characterised by despair and that leads me to dark places.

When I was first recovering from Sepsis this caused me tremendous difficulty. I’d have to ask the same questions over and over and somehow I’d never be able to absorb or register the answer. I’d get angry and resentful. The lack of clarity in my mind made me feel confused and isolated.

20 years on, I’ve accepted that there are simply gaps in my mind, in my way of thinking. Stuff that I’ll never understand.

In my post sepsis syndrome state, I’m not good at detail. I have to hand that over to others.

It’s a shame. I used to be good at taking care of things, looking after our bank account, answering correspondence. Now I’m struggling, I’m a bit approximate, occasionally unreliable.

I try and write everything down, although this can be tedious – a bit OCD. I use technology as much as possible to back me up.

But I still forget. Maybe, I still need to forget. Honestly, the things that have been done to me and the things I’ve seen – I’d give a billon billion pounds to be able to forget them.

Strangely, however, it seems I’m in the business of remembering. Every week I speak at events and conferences around the country about experiencing trauma and recovering from it. It’s interesting, challenging, rewarding, fascinating.

We’re encouraged constantly to relive our experiences, to talk about them, to share and to learn from them. Well that’s what I’m doing. I kind of died and then came back to life, very damaged, hurting badly. Ever since I’ve been trying to make the best of things for the sake of my wife and family. Trying to simplify everything in my life, so it’s clear and easy to comprehend.

That means trying to remember. I’m not allowed to forget.

I want the world to know what Sepsis is, how to prevent it. I’m basically incredibly strong inside, so as long as I am, that’s what I’ll keep on doing.

I’m fighting post sepsis syndrome. Trying, trying to be the best version of myself that I can be.